10/5/13 6:36pm...Wondering right now why I called this "3am Happy"?
It was pretty easy to do, but yet with my current concentration level being what it is, still too many bells and whistles to confuse me just enough...
I've actually been thinking very seriously about having a, or doing a (what's the right terminology for blogs anyway? Do you "have" one, or are you "doing" one? LOL) blog, even more so since I've been diagnosed with this brain malformation called: Chiari I Malformation. I was doing really well with this diagnosis of a malformed cerebellum, and the fact that I would need brain surgery, especially since said surgery is a ways off, and even more so because Thank God, what I have is neither cancer, nor-fatal.
However, ever since I developed this neuro-genic itch on my upper right arm that is like being attacked if I'm lucky, only every hour or so, I feel, especially un-safe,and frankly S-C-A-R-E-D and reminded almost constantly (today in fact is when it really hit me, that I DO need blankety-blank brain surgery!) by every tickle and flicker of ANYTHING on this arm...and that however non-fatal my condition is..This IS BRAIN SURGERY! Meaning that this very well known, and well meaning -NEUROsurgeon (which BTW really not a word you EVER think you will mutter in your entire lifetime!) will stick a scalpel, knife, clamp yada, yada, yada IN MY BRAIN...Excuse my language but: Shit! F__K!! Damn It! Damn It! Damn It! "Why me?" and all that crap!!!
But I digress...This project has been more difficult because of again, my seeming inability to concentrate whether it be because of "Tonsil Brain" (what my maid of honor and I call the Chiari) or because of the worry that it, in and of itself brings, but in a very strange way, I am grateful that even though I think I'm personalizing this blog way more than Professor Swanner even remotely intended (sorry Alex!). I really needed to get this out. So to go for the pity vote here...hopefully you will indulge me a tince.
So why then be in college at this time? I thought I could answer that question like so many others: "I want to get my degree", but now with this ever looming surgery, I realize that it's an attempt, even if a lame one at that, to keep my - no pun intended - brain busy with other things...Almost in an attempt to maybe have "it" and me, its "host body" if you will for the last 51+ years, forget that one day in the hopefully not too distant future that "we" will face what even in the best of situations, could be life altering surgery...for the better why of course.
If nothing else, at least "Tonsil Brain" and I can at least maybe come to an agreement that itching me to death is maybe not the best way to live out our lives entwined together...That's my initial hope anyway...
PS. Why "3 AM Happy"? you might ask about the name for the blog...Well that's still under consideration. "Tonsil Brain" is looking pretty good as well, and while they are neck and neck for contention, "3 AM" won out because it is at that time that I am often awake; that time when my sweet Griffy (puppy dog extraordinaire) slides off of his favorite bed, our couch, out from under the prying late night lights of the glowing TV by keeping his head under 2 decorative (if you could call them that) pillows, and pads outside with me to go potty yes, but also to hang out in that most earliest of morning time...when people are still going home from late night bars that closed one or so hours ago but people are still trying to "score" and it's still their night time, and still at least one to two hours before that morning crush time of traffic and hurry...
Yeah...Griffy and I will sometimes play ball in the moonlight or starlight, at a time that in the not too distant past I would consider to be "serial killer" time when you wouldn't have found me even close to being outside in the time usually reserved for psychopaths, and trolls...
But something changed in the year I turned 50, the year my mom's life ended, and I started to not be able to sleep anymore. The year I started forcing my dog to sleep under pillows, ...the year I started to not feel well...and while I miss the real, lusciousness, and decadence of sleeping (I used to sleep till 9 or 10am), I absolutely love this time now too. Because it's when the world can't get to me; when I can't call the myriad of doctors, nurses, pharmacists, therapists, psycho-doctors and they and other more sinister folk can't reach me either; when it makes no sense to fret over yet another humongous bill and subsequent worry about how this one is going to get paid as the medical and other bills keep mounting...but more importantly it's when me and my Griffy, and before him his sister my girl Haighti - who gave us Griffy - got to just be happy. 3 AM Happy is what I long to be all day long, but for now, as long as the sprinklers work and Griffy and I are still willing to jump in them whether it be 70 or 50 degrees out, well I'll take that over sleeping in any time :).
Cheers,
It was pretty easy to do, but yet with my current concentration level being what it is, still too many bells and whistles to confuse me just enough...
I've actually been thinking very seriously about having a, or doing a (what's the right terminology for blogs anyway? Do you "have" one, or are you "doing" one? LOL) blog, even more so since I've been diagnosed with this brain malformation called: Chiari I Malformation. I was doing really well with this diagnosis of a malformed cerebellum, and the fact that I would need brain surgery, especially since said surgery is a ways off, and even more so because Thank God, what I have is neither cancer, nor-fatal.
However, ever since I developed this neuro-genic itch on my upper right arm that is like being attacked if I'm lucky, only every hour or so, I feel, especially un-safe,and frankly S-C-A-R-E-D and reminded almost constantly (today in fact is when it really hit me, that I DO need blankety-blank brain surgery!) by every tickle and flicker of ANYTHING on this arm...and that however non-fatal my condition is..This IS BRAIN SURGERY! Meaning that this very well known, and well meaning -NEUROsurgeon (which BTW really not a word you EVER think you will mutter in your entire lifetime!) will stick a scalpel, knife, clamp yada, yada, yada IN MY BRAIN...Excuse my language but: Shit! F__K!! Damn It! Damn It! Damn It! "Why me?" and all that crap!!!
But I digress...This project has been more difficult because of again, my seeming inability to concentrate whether it be because of "Tonsil Brain" (what my maid of honor and I call the Chiari) or because of the worry that it, in and of itself brings, but in a very strange way, I am grateful that even though I think I'm personalizing this blog way more than Professor Swanner even remotely intended (sorry Alex!). I really needed to get this out. So to go for the pity vote here...hopefully you will indulge me a tince.
So why then be in college at this time? I thought I could answer that question like so many others: "I want to get my degree", but now with this ever looming surgery, I realize that it's an attempt, even if a lame one at that, to keep my - no pun intended - brain busy with other things...Almost in an attempt to maybe have "it" and me, its "host body" if you will for the last 51+ years, forget that one day in the hopefully not too distant future that "we" will face what even in the best of situations, could be life altering surgery...for the better why of course.
If nothing else, at least "Tonsil Brain" and I can at least maybe come to an agreement that itching me to death is maybe not the best way to live out our lives entwined together...That's my initial hope anyway...
PS. Why "3 AM Happy"? you might ask about the name for the blog...Well that's still under consideration. "Tonsil Brain" is looking pretty good as well, and while they are neck and neck for contention, "3 AM" won out because it is at that time that I am often awake; that time when my sweet Griffy (puppy dog extraordinaire) slides off of his favorite bed, our couch, out from under the prying late night lights of the glowing TV by keeping his head under 2 decorative (if you could call them that) pillows, and pads outside with me to go potty yes, but also to hang out in that most earliest of morning time...when people are still going home from late night bars that closed one or so hours ago but people are still trying to "score" and it's still their night time, and still at least one to two hours before that morning crush time of traffic and hurry...
Yeah...Griffy and I will sometimes play ball in the moonlight or starlight, at a time that in the not too distant past I would consider to be "serial killer" time when you wouldn't have found me even close to being outside in the time usually reserved for psychopaths, and trolls...
But something changed in the year I turned 50, the year my mom's life ended, and I started to not be able to sleep anymore. The year I started forcing my dog to sleep under pillows, ...the year I started to not feel well...and while I miss the real, lusciousness, and decadence of sleeping (I used to sleep till 9 or 10am), I absolutely love this time now too. Because it's when the world can't get to me; when I can't call the myriad of doctors, nurses, pharmacists, therapists, psycho-doctors and they and other more sinister folk can't reach me either; when it makes no sense to fret over yet another humongous bill and subsequent worry about how this one is going to get paid as the medical and other bills keep mounting...but more importantly it's when me and my Griffy, and before him his sister my girl Haighti - who gave us Griffy - got to just be happy. 3 AM Happy is what I long to be all day long, but for now, as long as the sprinklers work and Griffy and I are still willing to jump in them whether it be 70 or 50 degrees out, well I'll take that over sleeping in any time :).
Cheers,
